Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Devoured Heart

Your overwhelming feeling of love, innocence, and obsession about her reminded me of the Old times.

Back then, I believed I could open up to someone and not be hurt. Back then, I was mean with every person who did not deserve it. I remember saying, " I need to get myself back". And every summer I did. Eventually I did. I can not get that back again. I've forgotten how to love in an innocent way, a pure, not poisoned way.
Someone already gave that to me and I just stepped on it. It is just something that had to happen. Fuck, I needed it! I needed to swallow love just to be able to give it to myself. I had lost it. But I never thought about the consequences. Some time after, I fell hopelessly in love, not only getting back what I had had, but making it the biggest, enormous and most amazing thing I had ever felt. But that person was already poisoned. He gave that to me, apart from a thousand kisses, deceptions, happy times and rage moments.
My dearest Man, you made me who I am today. The bittersweet character, not trusting anybody, the interest about the world and history so that I would never get hurt... or so I pretend.

You opened my heart with no hesitation, with your own fucking hands and teeth, and ate from it. You emptied it as if it was a fucking shell, do you see how you left it? You swallowed my hope and digested my emotions.
You filled it with poison and hidden rage. You made it melancholic and perverse.

It is true I hurt someone, some hearts, but mine had already been fucked up.
I don't blame you. Our story was doomed from the first time, but it could've been dreamy! Anyway, we fucked it up. It was not just once that you broke my heart. And it was not just one time that I deceived you. But the way you filled me with doubts... The way I craved your only presence, your smell, your touch. Seing your black hair and your pale skin. Just being able to listen to your voice.

All those nights the only way I could get to you was by doing what I hoped would satisfact you.
Maybe I was never enough? I swear I did everything. But OH, well, I learnt almost all lessons in life with you. Should I say thank you?

I felt myself falling to a non-ending pit a thousand times. But oh everytime you gave a minimum attention to me... I kept that like a treasure. I remember that little box inside my heart filled with the good moments. There was also a box for doubt moments -you know it would have exploded if our story would've been longer - even longer -, I remember revising them every day and every night and analyzing them in the Most exhaustive way. I would walk through every moment trying to read your heart. It was too dark to see anything there. Your inner animal pushed me away.

It has passed a lot of time now, I already even had my vendetta, not only with you but with myself, and with other little, innocent hearts.
I have changed now. But the masochism and the unbearable desire for toxicity is still there and pushes me to broken hearts like mine.

Anybody, by now, would think that I have a dark soul. But nobody would say that my feelings and emotions are, nowadays, the purest ones they have ever felt or seen. My heart might be broken and poisoned but its strenght and desire to fly make it kind, true and just.

I hope (sincerily) someday I will be loved. Man makes plans and God laughs, why do I even bother to ask?